


Walk into Mordor

by hermione_vader



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Geeky, Gen, Humor, Male Friendship, Pop Culture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-02-15
Packaged: 2017-11-29 10:03:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermione_vader/pseuds/hermione_vader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally written for Avengerkink.  One day, Deadpool bursts into Stark Tower and assaults Thor's and Steve's minds with a barrage of modern pop culture references.  This is just the latest in a string of similar incidents, so they decide to dive head first into modern pop culture and figure out what he's talking about.  They cover everything from <i>The Great Escape</i> to <i>Troy</i> to <i>Twilight</i>, and they end alternately annoyed, insulted, and confused.  Can they find anything that will meet their expectations?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Walk into Mordor

**Author's Note:**

> Original prompt [here.](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/8247.html?thread=18017591#t18017591)
> 
> Also, minor spoilers for a character's fate in _Mockingjay_ (the third _Hunger Games_ book).

It was a completely ordinary morning.  Thor had just begun to take his morning coffee as the sunlight streamed through Stark Tower's windows.  Steve sat at the other end of the table, flipping through the newspaper.  The other Avengers had already left to attend to their other duties, so silence filled the penthouse, save for an occasional sigh from Steve.  Calm could be quite enjoyable, but this was excessive, in Thor's opinion.  He could have turned the television on, but he knew Steve disliked so much meaningless chatter so early in the day, so Thor stayed in his seat.  Just as he began to think of other ways to entertain himself, the elevator doors opened and he heard someone tumble into the living room.  
  
"YES!  MADE IT TO WINTERFELL, BITCHES!!!" a familiar voice shouted.  
  
Thor rushed into the living room with Steve at his heels.  They found the one called Deadpool splayed out on the floor with one of his beloved katana in his side.  
  
"Hey, Achilles!  Peeta!  How's it shakin'?" Deadpool asked, yanking the blade from his side.  
  
Thor laughed.  "It wasn't shaking at all until you arrived."  
  
"Sweet!"  
  
"What do you want, Wilson?" Steve asked, folding his arms.  
  
Deadpool sat up.  "Nothin' much, 'cept your undying love and adoration.  I was in the neighborhood doin' a thing that'll get me a big chunk a dough, so I was like, 'Maybe I should check up on my very favorite Power Ranger/Ninja Turtle knock-offs!'  Where _are_ Tommy and Michelangelo and Kimberly and Raphael?"  
  
Thor guessed his meaning and glanced at Steve, who furrowed his brow.  "They are on assignments that do not concern us at the moment."  
  
"Okey-dokey.  I'd rather just hang with you guys, anyway.  I can't choose between you two---you're my Gale and Peeta.  Unless you're my Edward and Jacob."  Deadpool kicked his legs up.  "Holy shit!  I hope you're my Gale and Peeta!  Otherwise my life is hella boring.  Did I really just say 'hella?'"  
  
"Yes, you did," Thor confirmed.  
  
"Oh God, no.  Then again, I'm kinda jittery 'cause my next job is in New Jersey."  
  
Steve quirked an eyebrow.  "You're afraid of Jersey?"  
  
"Who _isn't_ afraid of it?"  Deadpool stood up and leaned in inches from Steve's face.  "One does not simply walk into Jersey.  There is evil there that does not sleep!"  
  
Thor chuckled.  He knew he'd heard that somewhere.  
  
Then Deadpool jerked his masked head back and shrugged.  "Maybe you're right: I should just steal a motorcycle and blaze on through like Steve McQueen on his way to Switzerland!"  Thor could see him smile beneath the mask.  "I mean, what's the worst that could happen?  Ending up with Tom Cruise's face again, I guess.  That was your Draco Malfoy of a brother's fault.  Oh, yeah, tell him I say hi."

"If you wish."  
  
Deadpool shook his head.  "No, no, no, Thor, it's 'As you wish.'  And I love you, too."  
  
"Thank you, but what---"  
  
"Also, I AM NOT LEFT-HANDED!!!"  With that proclamation, Deadpool backflipped into the elevator.  "Thanks, guys!  I'll have to visit Winterfell again soon!"  
  
After Deadpool departed, Thor and Steve returned to the kitchen.  Steve collapsed into his chair.  
  
"Do you ever understand what he says?"  Steve asked.  
  
"Only a few sentences here and there," Thor replied as he sat down.  "But he mostly refers to stories I have not heard, I believe.  It's a shame, for I quite enjoy his company, though he is highly unpredictable."   
  
It was true.  Many considered Deadpool a "loopy psychopath," as Tony once put it, but Thor found him to be an overenthusiastic warrior whose ways of thinking and courses of action contradicted traditional Midgardian theories of logic, but nonetheless got results.  Perhaps that was the definition of "loopy psychopath", but he was a highly entertaining one, with his jokes and acrobatics.  Thor wished the others did not consider Deadpool such a nuisance, since he was so very funny.  
  
"Perhaps if we took pains to understand his words, we would better comprehend the man he is?"  Thor suggested.  
  
"I don't think that's possible, but I'd at least like to know what he's saying."  Steve rest his chin on his fist.  "But where do we start?"  
  
"With his comments, of course!  Let's make a list!"  Thor pounded his fist on the table.  
  
"Yeah, but can we remember them all?"  
  
"I don't know, but I believe I caught most of them."  
  
Steve got a pencil and a pad of paper and they made their list.  
  
"Peeta!" Thor recalled.  "That referred to you!  What _is_ a Peeta?"  
  
"That's what we'll find out.  I know who Achilles is---it's in an ancient story, but Deadpool probably meant a movie version," Steve said as his hand scooted across the paper.  "Gale and Peeta.  I guess that's the same Peeta from before?  And Edward and Jacob."  
  
"Steve McQueen riding to Switzerland!" Thor bellowed.  "I know not the meaning, but I like the sound."  
  
"Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers."  Steve's eyes grew wide as he shook his head.  "Do I really want to know?"  
  
"Yes.  And Draco Malfoy and Tom Cruise and Winterfell and something about not being left-handed."  
  
"And something about not walking into New Jersey."  
  
Thor chuckled.  "That's from _Lord of the Rings_."  
  
"Well, I haven't seen that.  Or read it."  
  
"Oh, yes, you were absent that weekend," Thor remembering, nodding.  "I believe that was when they made you present something at the Academy Awards in the far away Hollywood."  
  
"Probably."  Steve's hand scurried down the pad and then he tapped the paper with his pencil.  "Okay, is that everything?"  
  
"Yes.  TO THE GOOGLE!!!"

*

They solved the mystery of Gale and Peeta first.  They were the competing loves of a girl named Katniss in a trilogy of books called _The Hunger Games_.  Steve procured the tomes from the local bookstore and Thor read them more quickly than anything else in his life.  He liked them overall, but this Suzanne Collins woman seemed a little too insistent on sharing too many of Katniss's thoughts and memories.  Thor really did not need to know the details of how Katniss came by her sister Primrose's goat.  His other complaint was that by the third book, _Mockingjay_ , she seemed to be killing her characters out of spite.  
  
"Finnick's end was so unceremonious.  He did not even receive a final speech!  He deserved much better," Thor said at breakfast the day after he finished the trilogy.  
  
"Who?" Steve asked as he poured his orange juice.  
  
"Finnick.  The charming Quarter Quell Tribute from District Four," Thor explained.  "You know, the one who prostituted himself for secrets."  
  
"What?!  Thor, how far are you?" Steve asked, knocking his glass of orange juice onto the table.   
  
Thor grabbed some napkins and set them over the spilled orange juice.  "I finished _Mockingjay_ last night."  
  
"I'm two-thirds of the way through the first book!  Don't tell me anymore!  How can you be done already?"   
  
"The prose was not difficult and the realm of Panem intrigued me," Thor replied as he mopped up the juice.  
  
"Well, keep it to yourself until I'm done."  
  
"Understood."  
  
When Steve finally finished, they watched the first film.  Thor wanted to watch all of them, but the others were far from completion.  He decided he preferred the film because Katniss's narration was not drilling into his mind.  He liked Katniss, Peeta, and Gale all much better when they were portrayed by actual people.  And now Deadpool's words finally made sense.  
  
"The book described Peeta as blond-haired, blue-eyed, and broad-shouldered," Thor remarked as the film progressed.  "You fit that description much better than that awkward-jawed child does, Steve."  
  
Steve glanced and Thor and his cheeks turned a very nice shade of pink.  "Uh, thank you?"  
  
"Well, I believe that's what Deadpool meant."  
  
Steve squirmed in his seat.  "But if we're his Peeta and his Gale, does that mean he's in love with us?"  
  
"I suppose it's possible.  It's flattering."  
  
"I don't know..."  Steve cocked his head to the side.  "Hey, if you tilt your head this way, that Gale kid looks kinda like you."  
  
"He does not!"  Thor protested.  "He is clean-shaven, for a start!"  
  
"No, it's not that, it's something in his eyes.  He _does_!  I'm telling you!"  
  
"I believe you have taken leave of your senses, my friend."  
  
"Nope.  He does.  Live with it."  
  
Thor would let Steve have his little delusion.  He was already intrigued by what they would tackle next.

*  
  
Steve suggested they figure out Edward and Jacob, but Thor picked Draco Malfoy in order to understand Deadpool's comment about Loki.  The Google told them that he was a minor antagonist in a series about a boy named Harry Potter.  Thor wished to read them, but they were more daunting than _The Hunger Games_.  
  
"Geez, will you look at these page counts?" Steve asked, gaping at the Amazon.com search page.  "The fifth one is nearly a thousand pages.  Do kids really read these?"  
  
"I don't know, but we don't have that kind of time," Thor said.  "Are there film versions?"  
  
"Yeah.  Eight of them."  
  
"Let's try those."  
  
The films were entertaining and grew darker as Harry, Ron, and Hermione grew older, which Thor found very fitting.  He liked many of the characters, but he could not stand this Draco Malfoy.  Even at his most childish, Thor himself had never been so petty and cruel, and neither had Loki.  Even when Loki attempted to subjugated the Earth, he had at least had _ambition_.   
  
"This Draco is nothing but a coward.  Loki's mind may be twisted, but he is not so weak," Thor stated.  Then he strode out of the room before Steve could answer.  
  
Thor could see why Deadpool might draw comparisons between the two, but he did not know Loki so well.  Loki might have been mean and selfish and even deranged, but he was never so sniveling.  Perhaps Deadpool should have called him Voldemort or Bellatrix.  They were interesting, at the very least.

*

Next, they researched "Steve McQueen riding to Switzerland."  It led them to a film called _The Great Escape_.  It took place during the Second World War, the war Steve had fought in, and centered on a large group of men digging their way out of a German prison camp.  Thor worried for all the men's fates, but he was most concerned for that of McQueen's character.  Thor sat on the edge of his seat as McQueen drove his stolen motorcycle towards Switzerland's border fence.  
  
"He will make it!" Thor exclaimed.  "He must!  This will be his triumph!"  
  
"Uh, Thor, I'm not really sure..."  
  
McQueen jumped the bike.  The motorcycle rose over the first fence.  Then he drove back and forth and jumped again...  
  
And landed in the fence's barbed wire.  
  
"NO!  He was meant to make the jump."  
  
Most of the others were unsuccessful.  Fifty of them died.  Thor knew death and battle, but almost none of these men were armed.  In such a light, the Nazis' actions seemed quite dastardly.  But three escaped.  
  
"This...this is not how it should have ended," Thor said, staring at the screen.  
  
"Well, that's how things ended back then," Steve told him, stone-faced.  
  
"Why would Deadpool compare anything to this?"  
  
"Maybe he meant his next job was crazy and impossible."  Now it was Steve's turn to stride out of the room.

*

At last, they reached Edward and Jacob.  Steve read their tome, a novel called _Twilight_ , first.  When Thor opened it, he hoped for something similar to _The Hunger Games_ : quick and interesting, if a little too verbose.  Instead, his mind trudged through the thick, overflowing prose of Bella Swan's life in the never-ending rain of Forks, Washington, waiting for her to do something.  She never did.  Edward did things, including watch her sleep, which Thor considered acceptable only when the watcher had the sleeper's permission, which Edward absolutely did not.  Bella only let things happen and described them, which annoyed Thor to no forseeable end.  All of this filled him with a ridiculous ire that he could not entirely explain.  
  
So when he finished the novel, Thor put his copy in the toaster over and let the flames flare up a bit so that the words would burn and ooze into illegibility.  Then he brandished the Tower's fire extinguisher, spraying the white foam all over the toaster and sighing, knowing the book could never be read again.  As he set the fire extinguisher down, he heard a flurry of footsteps and turned around to find all of the other Avengers gaping at him.  
  
"Thor, are you trying to kill the toaster?" Tony asked.  
  
"No.  I'm burning _Twilight_."  
  
"Don't you mean 'burning daylight?'" Natasha said, putting her hands on her hips.  
  
"No."  Thor put on an oven mitt and grabbed the charred remains of the book, holding them up for his friends to see.  "I'm burning _Twilight_."  
  
Steve's mouth hung open.  "You _burned_ that book?"  
  
"Yes!"  Thor slammed the burnt book down on the counter.  "It was so dull that it became offensive!  And Bella is a hideously passive person!  I will bring tales of this experience back to Asgard, and the author may have to answer to the wrath of Lady Sif."  
  
"I'd pay to watch that," Clint remarked.  
  
"From front to back, it was thoroughly awful and I do not regret my actions."  Thor clenched his jaw and stared at his comrades.   
  
"You're right---it was pretty damn vapid," Steve agreed.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"But there are three more books, you know."  
  
Thor waved his arms.  "No!  No more!"  
  
"But there are movies, too.  Maybe if we watched---"  
  
"I SAY THEE NAY."  Thor folded his arms.  He would not be swayed.  
  
Clint and Bruce clapped as he exited the kitchen, tossing the scorched novel into the trash.

*

The rest of their foray into Deadpool's references went much more smoothly.  Thor and Steve both enjoyed the Ninja Turtles and disliked the Power Rangers.  The Ninja Turtles were exceptionally fun, but the Power Rangers were...hokey, as Clint had put it.  Such plastic-looking outfits were not meant for live-action.  And they eventually did learn what Winterfell was, though they chose to find out through Wikipedia and an odd site called TVTropes instead of pushing through immense fantasy novels or a slew of sex scenes on that HBO channel.  
  
Now they had reached _Troy_.  The DVD box looked intriguing, full of men in armor and a wooden horse.  _This_ would be Thor's kind of story.  
  
Until it wasn't.  There were a few fights and brief battles, but the film mostly concerned a stolen wife named Helen, who was decidedly _not_ The Most Beautiful Woman In The World, as she was meant to be.  Many men lurched around struggling to get her back and forgetting how diplomacy worked.  If the All-Father could see their blunders, he would laugh.  
  
The only interesting parts were Hector because he was noble, Odysseus because he was clever, and Achilles because he was handsome and brooding.  
  
"Uh, Thor, I get why Deadpool called you Achilles," Steve said, sliding his hands around on the couch cushions.  
  
"Why?  I do not resemble him.  He has no beard and his jaw is too weak."  
  
"Really?  He's the toughest guy around, he's nearly invincible, he's kinda arrogant, and he has a nice head of blond hair."  
  
Thor frowned.  "I am not arrogant."  
  
Steve rolled his eyes.  
  
The rest of the film was a disappointment.  The wooden horse did nothing except carry the Greek soldiers into Troy so they could destroy it.  And it all ended with Achilles' death and Odysseus narrating and lighting the funeral pyre.   
  
"Where were the monsters?  If you have a giant wooden horse, it must face a monster.  And the battles were far too short.  And why does the cleverest man get so little screen time?"  Thor had more questions, but thought these enough to be shared.  
  
"Well, _The Iliad_ has this sequel called _The Odyssey_.  It's all about Odysseus's trip home.  It takes twenty years and he fights a cyclops---a one-eyed giant---and makes the sea god angry and then he faces a whirlpool and another monster and a sea nymph-goddess kidnaps him and lots of other adventures happen, but they didn't make a sequel to this."  
  
Thor's fists shook on the couch.  "They could have made a movie about giants and whirlpools and angry gods and instead they made a movie about adulterous wives and bad diplomacy?"  
  
Steve nodded.  
  
"I will never comprehend Midgardian priorities."

*

Now they reached the final work.  _The Princess Bride_.  They chose the movie, but Steve said they could try the book later.  Thor did not have high hopes for this.  He knew that if he formed any, they would only be twisted.  
  
Except that this was a proper story, full of swordfights and romance and humor and Rodents of Unusual Size.  He laughed with this and his heart sank with it, and unlike the boy hearing the story in the film, Thor really would not mind the kissing scenes.  But Inigo and Fezzik were his very favorites, by far.  
  
"Inigo must find the Six-Fingered Man!  He is so close!" Thor exclaimed.  
  
"Ssshh!!!" Steve hissed.  "We'll see."  
  
"The suspense is unbearable!"  
  
But Inigo did find the Six-Fingered Man.  He slew the man nost valiantly, though Inigo lingered near death himself.  And then Westley and Buttercup were reunited and all was well, with no sparkling vampires, wooden horses, or deadly reality shows in sight.  
  
"That...that was incredibly enjoyable," Thor said, flouncing back against the couch.   
  
"I knew you guys'd like it," Deadpool said, poking his head out of the elevator.   
  
"Wilson?" Steve blurted out.  "How long have you been back there?"  
  
"Since the Battle of Wits."  Deadpool giggled.  "'You fell for one of the classic blunders.'"  
  
"'The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia,"'" Thor continued.  
  
"But only slightly less known is never try to outsmart a mercenary when pop culture is on the line!"  Deadpool laughed loud and long and then fell flat on the floor.  
  
"Did you...did you _want_ us to watch and read all of this stuff?" Steve asked, his browed furrowed as it was the day Deadpool's first intrusion.  
  
"Maybe.  _Somebody_ had to educate you guys about this stuff.  Why not me?"  Deadpool sat down between Steve and Thor.  "So Thor, did the dear Captain ever get around to watching _Lord of the Rings_?"  
  
"No, I'm afraid not," Thor replied.  
  
"Well, no time like the present, right?"  
  
"Yes, that is very true."  
  
Deadpool slung his arm across Steve's shoulders.  "So let's get this trilogy going!"  
  
Steve groaned.  
  
Deadpool patted his shoulder.  "Oh, don't worry Steve, it's only ten hours of your life."  
  
Thor laughed.  Deadpool was not a nuisance.  He was a riddle.  One that was better left unsolved, Thor decided.  After all, some of the greatest puzzles were about the challenge, not the completion.  So Thor switched out the DVDs and smiled as he listened to Deadpool's energetic prattle.


End file.
